Relationships and OCD: How to Achieve Intimacy Without Participating in Compulsive Reassurance.

WRITTEN BY: AMY HETER, LMFT

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with OCD, you may have noticed that talking about the specific details of OCD often makes things worse for everyone involved. A common problem many people with OCD face is engaging in compulsive reassurance. This behavior falls under the compulsive part of OCD. This problem can be very challenging for the individual diagnosed with OCD and for the people in their life who love and care about them. 

It’s normal to want to express your feelings and for people to want to help fix OCD

With most of life’s problems, it is very helpful and comforting to have someone you are close to hear the details of your thoughts and fears. People who love and care about us naturally want us to feel better, and talking about problems usually helps. Even when a problem is not easily solvable, talking about it with someone increases intimacy. 

Sharing your problems with close family and friends usually brings people closer together. It helps them understand what is going on with you, and the other person often feels like they are helping you. Sometimes problems can’t be easily solved, but sharing your worries with someone creates closeness and allows the people you love and care about to feel helpful.  This is a natural process that everyone is pulled toward. 

People who are close to someone with OCD want to help by relieving anxiety, but they are often pulled into participating in compulsive reassurance.  

OCD and reassurance

OCD can interfere with many parts of life, and it often invades relationships. It can make people feel like it is impossible for them to express their feelings or for others to provide meaningful help. Oftentimes, loved ones begin participating in compulsions by providing constant reassurance that only feeds the OCD. Sometimes they become distant and burned out when they see that more reassurance is needed and that their reassurance does not help the way it might with other problems.

Additionally, people with OCD often feel very isolated when they notice that talking about their OCD only increases their anxiety and OCD symptoms. They may avoid close relationships altogether or become distant when they feel their symptoms being activated. 

Helpful OCD communication skills

Everyone with OCD experiences small, nuanced differences that are unique to them, so there is never a one-size-fits-all answer. However, it can be helpful for loved ones to read and learn about OCD reassurance. You can provide them with psychoeducational information about this topic. 

It is very important for loved ones to understand that OCD is not like other problems and that discussing the details of OCD often leads to compulsions. It is best to focus on expressing care and support rather than focusing on solving the OCD issue. Instead, try to focus on your relationship and feelings for each other. 

This can be difficult at first. Another helpful strategy is to create agreed-upon code words so you can let your family and friends know when your OCD is particularly strong. This helps them understand not to ask questions about your internal thoughts during those moments. 

Instead of expressing the specific content of OCD thoughts, communication might look like this:  

Loved one: “Is everything ok?” 

Person with OCD: “My OCD is really bothering me right now. I am having a hard time. It’s difficult to talk about without getting pulled into OCD.”

Loved one: “I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through that. I’ve noticed you’ve been having a hard time lately. I care about you. Would you like to…(activity we talked about doing)?”

Some people with OCD are able to keep their communication focused on the distress they are feeling or the difficulty of not being able to share the exact content of their thoughts. 

Others need a complete break from socializing and may benefit from engaging in a solo activity to resist reassurance. Loved ones can talk about this ahead of time, so there is an understanding that giving space is a way of providing support. Others may find activities they can do together that are distracting and help them avoid engaging in compulsions. 

Final thoughts on OCD

Overall, it is very important to have a plan with your loved ones so that both of you can avoid conversations that feed OCD and instead focus on the feelings of love and care that exist outside of OCD. 

Remember that OCD creates nuanced symptoms for everyone, so don’t feel like you are doing it wrong. It is possible to stay close to the people you love while also avoiding compulsive reassurance.